


washing my hair with soap

by hobbes_essay



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Clubbing, Depression, Drinking, Gen, Self-Isolation, basically everyone knows something’s wrong but jaewon doesn’t say anything so no one helps hiim, dubious sexual situation, its not a happy story!! please note that and the rating., neglecting self care, warnings in authors note., yeah read the tags basically for more detail
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:34:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26820721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbes_essay/pseuds/hobbes_essay
Summary: and i’ll scrub scrub scrub (‘till my body bleeds)
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Nari & Jaewon (Lost in Translation), Wyld | Ahn Jaewon & Everyone, Wyld | Ahn Jaewon & Junsu (Lost in Translation)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 67





	1. dirty type of clean

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: mildly dubious sexual situations (vaguely referenced, ‘doing it for the job’), self harm (but if you didn’t get that from the description idk), neglecting self care, intense language, depression, vomiting, panic attacks, minor violence, abuse of power, drunk sex (referenced, imagery portrayal bc i’m not writing smut lol), referenced drug use, jaewon gets his drink spiked. (tba.)

Burning droplets of water cascaded down his back, their traces leaving a sting on his reddening skin. Every moment here was edging the line between bliss and agony, a perfect feeling for what he needed. Jaewon gripped the bar of soap a little tighter before scrubbing himself mercilessly, marks from his nails leaving bright white lines on his red skin. They joined the other marks already there- some three-day-old bruises along his collarbone and the scratches of perfectly manicured nails on his wrist. Each and every touch burned, and he would keep them burning until he stepped out of the shower. 

He could still feel traces of her hands on his waist, where her lips brushed against his neck. Every touch felt like poison, so Jaewon scrubbed. He scrubbed and scrubbed until he felt nothing there but pain, raw skin exposed to the water above. He scrubbed, and every scrub wiped away each phantom touch, every breath of air, every mark, old and new, and he scrubbed. 

It was hazy, the smells of perfume and alcohol mixing into eachother, the loud, pounding music leaving him with a headache. In and out. Go in, do his thing, get out. Quick. Don’t spend a second longer than you need doing things that you don’t want, it's what he’d think, but then suddenly there’s this creeping anxiety about how he can’t just do what’s asked anymore. He has to do more and more and  _ more _ , and now he’s in a private room, with some K-Drama star leaving the door wide open as she keeps pulling him closer, and now he’s waiting until he can hear the familiar click of a camera to walk out- leaving behind he smell and the sound, his eyes closed because he hasn’t been focused on what was in front of him. 

The water kept flowing along, as if washing away all of his thoughts- or maybe keeping them going. There was a juxtaposition in how he reacted to things. Does it hurt? Does it feel good? He bit his lip. Reaching for his shampoo he presented not to notice the marks he made on his arms that joined older ones, and as he uncapped the bottle he pretended not to notice how his hands trembled. Shakily he scrubbed his hands through his hair, picking at his scalp and feeling the roots of his hair. His hair, bright red as it could be, still felt foriegn as he saw himself. On stage, on billboards, in tabloids, in the mirror. 

It was when he was leaving his shower that it became apparent- Jaeewon’s skin is bright red, and all the marks on his skin become even more apparent. He holds his towel limply, letting the cool winter air sting him even more for as long as he could before risking getting a cold. Because if he got sick-if Wyld got sick-that would be a loss. Maybe if he was Daehyun, or Minsoo- those two would surely have fans all over them if they were sick. But they could care less if it was Jaewon.

He looked at himself. Every mark was easy to see, from the bruises that trailed along his collarbone and littered themselves down to navel, making constellations on his chest and back. It was starting to become common, that with every new encounter new marks would be added. They eventually faded away, but people were interested in leaving their anonymous marks on his skin, a reminder for him and him alone. 

Staring, he felt foreign to the body in front of him. To Jaewon, he was simply in over his head, getting more and more used to how things would be. He got used to the staring, to the pity. Unspoken words and thoughts of people who knew that something was wrong without knowing what it was. People would reach out, and he would reject them. Time and time again. Wyld was a playboy. Wyld was a womanizer. Wyld was a nympho. Words that didn't make sense when pinned on this shy man, it became clear that something was wrong. But since Wyld himself didn't say anything, there was nothing that could be done. So they watched him, with concern and pity, and nothing would get done.

He isolated himself- with words and actions, not opening up no matter how close. He has few friends, but he didnt feel it was fair to himself to have friends that were idols. It would hurt them more than they would think, and even if you want to get to know someone as a person, there is no guarantee that what rules their lives won’t interfere at all.

Agonizingly, Jaewon dried himself off, the towel making his skin itch even worse. Scrubbing, trailing the cloth over his body that had already been dried. The dampness of the towel and the cold created a new feeling to his skin, the touch the opposite of his shower. But that didn't make it hurt any less. He slowly completed the process before throwing on some clothes to sleep in. Tomorrow he was going to be busy and he wasn’t too keen on feeling terrible all day. 

He threw himself on his bed, complete ignoring the way it continued to light up- notifications were a constant to him, from twitter, from his manager, from the CEO. An update had to be given, but he already sent an email an hour ago recounting what he did at the club. If the photos turned out bad, well that wasn’t Jaewon’s responsibility. He curled around himself, a dim light emitting from his phone lighting up his face. The blue light shone, and Jaewon sighed.

The shower didn't work.

Already getting up, he glances at the clock, the numbers blaring back at him. 23:45. He should be sleeping now. But he couldn’t. He still felt it. He felt the touches and marks and his head hurt  _ so bad _ . It was tiring and gross and he just wanted to feel better. Opening the medicine cabinet, he popped a few melatonins into his mouth before walking back to his room, dragging his feet behind him. He heard some shuffling- Minsoo must’ve gotten too stuck into his game and forgotten to sleep. It’s okay. He continued walking.

Entering his room again, Jaewon turned off his phone. He had to endure. Sooner or later sleepiness would kick in and he’d fall asleep, but until then he’ll preoccupy his thoughts with good things. Fantasies, memories. Things to overpower the dread and oh-so-detested rain of thought that keeps him awake for hours on end. He pretends he’s back in college- but back in college when he knows Jun and Nari, and the three of them are studying and working on projects and maybe he’s back in highschool, preparing for festivals and making mistakes like all kids do. He wants to go back to betters days that don’t exist, and he thinks.

It’s not quite dreaming, but he keeps thinking until he stops, and without realizing it, he’s fallen asleep. Maybe he’ll dream tonight. Maybe he won’t. He’s asleep, and he won’t notice Minsoo, knocking on his door to ask if he wants some tea, only to be met. (He’s fallen asleep, after all.)


	2. convince myself i am coming clean

Today, Mayhem had a modeling shoot. It was a simple affair, and Jaewon was ready for a change of pace from yesterday. His phone was already blowing up with notifications. A wave of messages from and outraged twitter, and a few concerned texts from Mayhem and Nari. He left his room, greeted by the sight of Mayhem having breakfast. With their diets, the sight of breakfast was usually pretty sad, but it looked like Minsoo was going all out today. Surprisingly, their leader was actually a pretty good cook, all things regardless. More often than not, Minsoo would help put things together so they are just a bit more appetizing than a bag of grapes.

He sat down next to Daehyun, grabbing an apple and biting into it. The other three grew more quiet, new bruises on his side making it clear what he was up to the previous night. Their expressions betraying their thoughts, Jaewon sighed and stood up.

“Wait, no Jaewon-” Minsoo started, putting down the frying pan in his hand. “Are you okay?”

Jaewon shrugged, and walked back to his room to get dressed. They would be exposed later at the shoot, but Mayhem already had a makeup artist specifically hired to help cover up Jaewon’s ‘scandals’. That definitely was a move that made it clear that foul play was at hand, and about when Mayhem started warming up to Jaewon a lot more. 

When he entered the kitchen again, he could see that Minsoo had finished what he was doing, and had set the various fried fruits and eggs onto random dishes on the table. The group was generally quieter, but when Jaewon sat down they resumed their normal pace of things. Breakfast continued like that- pretty normal, in all regards, but Jaewon still didn’t feel too great. Reminders from last night were still on his wrists, and he couldn’t get it out of his head. 

“Uhm…” He started, his voice low. Mayhem turned to look at him, expectant. “Thanks for the tea last night, Minsoo-hyung. I saw it outside the door when I woke up.” 

Minsoo nodded, looking a little please with himself. Jaewon was touched by the notion. He was grateful that despite his situation, he was able to grow closer to Mayhem and become more than just bandmates. He knew that he didn't really open up much, but that was on him. Rather than being left behind, Jaewon was the one who didn’t reach out. He frowned, taking a bite of his breakfast. It was good. 

  
  
  


An hour later, the four of them were at their modeling shoot. Jaewon could feel stares burning into him- at his wrists, his arms. Pretty much every place where skin showed, and the marks with it. Their knowing and unknowing glances, a terrible mix of scorn and pity was suffocating. This was only the beginning of it. They walked into the dressing room- after getting handed their various outfits, Jaewon was immediately steered into a private room. Of course.

His makeup artist- a young woman named Jiha, was very familiar with his situation. He wasn’t sure how exactly she knew- if it was his manager letting her in the know or from her own digging- but she was kind about it. She was gentle with him, but she didn't treat him like glass. He appreciated that. Jiha motioned for him to take off his shirt. He nodded, pulling off the white t-shirt, displaying countless bruises and scratches, leaving a watercolor mess all over his back. Purple, pinks, and red littered across his body, coupled with older white scars from time long ago.

She got to work. Jiha, in all her benevolence, was very quick at what she did. Jaewon sometimes wondered if this was her trying her best for him. She definitely was aware by now that he didn’t like seeing his own body like this, marked and foreign. She covered blemishes and masked scars, making him untouched by the world. Old childhood scars to brand knew hickeys from yesterday, his body had become reversed (in the visual sense of the word). They stayed silent as Jaewon left the room, turning to put on the clothes for the shoot. The rest of Mayhem was mid-dressed, and Jiha began to make her way around the room, covering up Minsoo’s dark circles and touching them up for the blinding whites of camera flashes. She turned them picturesque, as they all were meant to be.

Jaewon pretended not to grimace as he looked at himself in the mirror, the shoot playing along with perceptions like everyone else. While Mayhem did have a cohesive look- a smattering of various colors on grey and white coupled with clothes draped every which way- it seemed to be the perfect set up for, well,  _ this _ .

He was, well, very  _ undressed _ , to make it simple.

Whereas Daehyun’s look leaned more cute and fluffy, there was a clear difference between his get up and Jaewon’s more sensual look. Even compared to the half-dressed Dongho Jaewon somehow looked even more revealing. His cheeks burned in frustration, and without realizing it, someone places a hand on his back.

He jumped, and turned to see who was behind him.

“We can ask to switch looks if you feel uncomfortable, Jaewon-ah.” Minsoo said, reliable as ever. 

Jaewon shook his head. “No, it’s fine hyung.” He pushes his hair back some in habit. “They chose to have me wear this after all.”

MInsoo looked concerned, but left it as is. Well, he knew not to push it when Jaewon said no. There was no point- for someone who always listened to what he was told when it would hurt him, he refused and goodwill from others. 

Leaving the dressing room, everything carried on as usual. Mayhem did as they were asked, and posed- posed with props, with eachother. They became dolls, artworks, and that was how it was. When it came to Jaewon’s individual shots, he stayed quiet as he was asked to pose more and more, slowly becoming more like Wyld as the shoot went on. He steeled himself, and he got the job done. By the time they were finished, Wyld was grinning, a perma-smile on his face. Mayhem frowned at that, knowing easily that it was for the cameras, and not genuine at all.

Mayhem had a model shoot today. Pretty normal day overall.

When the photos got published, it was beside the fact that Jaewon got more criticism.  _ “Does he ask them to make him like that?” “Here we see three idols and one ****.”  _ Of course, Jaewon wouldn't be allowed to see the messages. If there was one thing that Mayhem could do within their power, that would be limiting the amount of hate Jaewon was exposed to on a personal level. Even if he would ask them not to, this level of interference would happen, no matter if Jaewon wanted it or not. They blocked people who attacked Jaewon, the suicide-baiters, those who scarned him and harrassed him. They couldn't do much else. A few leaked photos from the shoot, and fans were excitedly discussing the group, talking about how close or not close they were with one another, trying to get into their heads of their idols. 

It was silly, because even if they were leaked photos, they were no more revealing than the official shoot. Clad in makeup, dressed to a tee- this wasn’t Dongho, Minsoo, Daehyun, and Jaewon- it was Mayhem. 

(And there is quite a difference.)


	3. (that kid is never coming back)

Wyld’s case was very well known in the idol community. His endless stream of scandals juxtaposed with his shy and anxious nature makes it pretty obvious that there is something going on, but there isn’t information for anyone to make it stop. If Wyld doesn’t reach out on his own, then there's nothing they can do. That’s that. 

That doesn’t mean that other idols scorn him, and it’s pretty much one of the back door secrets you start getting used to when you become an official trainee. Someone ups you aside sometime, and the point at Wyld, saying. “Oh, remember how that guy is supposed to be some crazy womanizer? Well he’s actually a pushover and his CEO sucks.” And then you have to ask- “Why doesn't anyone do anything about it?” Only to be told that he’s too big of a pushover to ask for help, and then slowly Wyld stops mattering to you because you’re busy with other things.

Unhated, pitied, and an object of concern. 

That’s what Wyld had become. Maybe, in the beginning, there was a success- Wyld controlled the tabloids, constantly raking in extra press and attention. He dominated social media- despite the absence of his actual presence. But over time, things grew dull. A scandal had to be so large for it to have as much effect as small things did back then, and even so, so many other idols wouldn’t bother responding or pushing any sort of hate comments, and Wyld fell into the background.

It didn't change what he had to do of course- even if the numbers went down, that just meant he had to cause that many more scandals. Mr. Park was a lot more demanding, each request getting more and more out of his comfort zone and boundaries. Wyld was a pitiful puppet, already unraveling and falling apart.

Mayhem was worried about Wyld. He was quiet yes, but over time things became clearer and Wyld was able to come closer with the rest of Mayhem. But the other three were worried- extremely worried about the red-haired idol. They had a very rough time trying to get him to open up in the first place, and it seemed as if he was just going farther and farther away from them. He never reached out in the first place, and now he started rejecting their efforts.

Jaewon, on the other hand, had pretty much gone off the deep end at this point. If it weren’t for Jun or Nari, there would be a distinct lack of Jaewon around, and there would be no place for that smiling, cute kid to ever feel comfortable again.

He was already hurt. Hurt way too much to the point where it wasn’t clear when he would be able to start feeling better about himself. Jun had already started forcing him to go to therapy, a situation, once sniffed out by reporters, what quickly turned into a story about how he was trying to solve his ‘sex addiction’-as if it didnt already repulse him in the first place anyways. 

Daehyun remembered Jaewon from when they were both trainees. Shy, timid, but genuine and excited. He wasn’t withdrawn, he was quiet. And while he didn’t say much about himself, he still listened attentively to others.

Ahn Jaewon was a very kind kid as a trainee. He, while quiet, constantly helped others with whatever they needed, spent nights into nights practicing alone so that he would be prepared for practicing with the group. He gave and gave and gave, and maybe that is why Ahn Jaewon now is so different. 

Ahn Jaewon now has given so much, has told too many lies and hidden behind too many weak smiles so much that he no longer has much left to give. he’s being drained over and over again for his final bits of strength, and even if nothing has changed the constant pressure has deteriorated him as a person. 

He is tired, and he has given away far too much.

Wyld is a very pitiful man. (Jaewon is too far gone to be pitiful anymore.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a lot shorter so 😔😔 i guess. but anyways some more context before we start getting into the actual plot instead of introspection after introspection.
> 
> also! this is updated tues/thurs/sat/sun until i finish on 10/27!!


	4. air inside of my lungs

Ahn Jaewon is floating.

For the longest of times, he’s been floating back and forth, led by a string for what he has to do to get by. He does whatever he is asked, implied, or told to do.That’s how these sort of things work. He’s floating, thinking about how Daehyun and Minsoo were at a PC cafe playing games as the second woman tonight is whispering in his ear. 

He can imagine the two of them- laughing, having fun. They might be getting some attention, but he thinks they’ll be fine, considering how often the two of them do this. Considering how often Jaewon does  _ this _ , he looks down, pulling her waist closer to him, the two of them going on an outing would be nothing compared to him going out with a brand new idol, barely 20. 

Jaewon doesn’t know why she’s doing this- was she a fan? Did her manager tell her it would help? But he looks into her eyes and there’s the whole familiarity of desperation and he has to hold back from shoving her off of him because  _ he doesn’t want to do this _ , and it’s obvious she doesn’t either. So instead, he slowly brings her into a private room and sits her down- the CEO might have asked him to be as public as possible, but he can’t bring himself to continue.

They sit down, and Jaewon is floating again. The idol in front of him sits down, confused as she moves to continue what they were doing, surprised when Jaewon doesn’t reciprocate. He is floating- he is floating when he teaches her how to herself hickeys, forming bright red blossoms on her collarbone with only a simple touch. 

He pretends not to notice the relief in her eyes as he does this, and he pretends that none of it is happening. She looked like she’s about to cry and maybe Jaewon is reminded of days when he wasn’t an idol and he was just plain old Jaewon. So he wipes the tears from her eyes and tells her it’ll be okay, promises that it will probably be the last time she’ll have to do this. 

Leading her out of the room he brings her to the middle of the room, keeping his hand on her upper back, squeezing her shoulder as he brings her to the bar where they can talk. 

Sitting down, Jaewon starts hearing the familiar camera shutter. He wonders if they had gotten a picture earlier- dancing in the middle of the room with her lips pressed against his ear. He hoped they had, he thinks, as he reaches a hand out to hold a strand of her hand. 

He presses a kiss to it, seeing the relief in her eyes dwindle a little. He paused, and shot a glance to the doors.

The idol- he hadn’t been told her name- shot a glance, eyes widening when she recognized the flash of a camera. She nodded, and placed her hand on top of Jaewon’s. They had reached a mutual understanding.

Jaewon couldn’t get her out of his head until late that night. She was so small. She reminded him so much of when he was younger, when he’d help out at daycares and tutor kids who weren’t caught up. He imagined what the headlines were like, the look Mayhem would have on their faces when he greeted him in the morning, wondering and concerned over what had gone down at the club. How far did he go? Did he make those hickeys? Is she okay? -They’d have a barrage of questions, but keep them to themselves. Minsoo’d probably make a comment about how the CEO ‘had gone too far’ and how they’d ‘figure something out soon’. 

He tried to sleep. Jaewon wouldn’t say he was a particularly bad sleeper, or that it was hard for him to fall asleep often. He wasn’t like Minsoo, who even with numerous drugs and tea and no video games couldn’t fall asleep for the life of him. But there were nights, much like this one, where he couldn’t stop thinking. He often wondered how Minsoo dearth with it, the inability of falling asleep. Jaewon felt terrible every time, sleepiness and exhaustion overwhelming him and despite all of that still being unable to sleep. (When he’d wake up in the morning he’d feel a lot worse, but that doesn’t matter that much.)

Ahn Jaewon is floating.

He is floating as he listens to the CEO’s barrage of insults and instructions, a twisted smile greeting his thoughts for hours on end, every word spoken as if he was delivering a sermon- and Jaewon was the one being judged. He is floating as he is on his needs, as he begs, as he does every little demand to make it so he doesn’t increase Mayhem’s debt even more. He pleads, he promises. He stays still when he is slapped and silent when he is told. He yells out when he is asked. He is floating through all of this.

Floating and thinking. He is floating, but he is thinking of spending time with Mayhem, of hanging out with Jun and Nari as the Coffee Temple. He thinks about performances, about backstage tours. He thinks about praises from his fans, and thinks about the kindness of others. He is floating, and that is what is keeping the air circulating in his lungs as he is drowned over and over again, wave after wave of insults, demands and scorn.

Jaewon is floating amidst all of this. (And that is why he can be okay.)

So as he falls asleep, he doesn’t feel the pain of exhaustion on his chest. The thoughts of a younger idol float into nothingness, and the harsh words of others float in and out of his ears. He is floating in his little bubble, drifting slightly, bobbing above and below the waves. He is floating in his dreams- places where he is younger, happier. Where he’s made different decisions, where he is able to stand up for himself. He is floating past fantasies, and he is floating through his fears. 

Ahn Jaewon is floating.


	5. his grandpa’s in the mafia

Jun remembers the first time Jaewon cried in front of him.

For someone who is terrible at hiding what he feels, he’s also terrible at expressing his emotions at the same time. Jaewon’s got that in-between, a mix of not ever saying anything even though you can tell that something’s wrong. So when he runs into his friend after a closing shift at the coffee temple, trembling, covered in tears and vomit, he’s completely thrown off guard.

He invites Jaewon in easily- the red-head is still shaking, somehow gathering himself to make it over to Jun before he falls into another panic attack, and all Jun can do is provide him with enough water and grounding he can while Jaewon rides through, wave after wave.

Texting Nari to bring some more supplies, it’s only ten minutes after his hyung arrives that he manages to calm down, gently drinking an offered water. Jun sits down beside him, quiet. The two of them having already hashed out some of the finer details of what Jaewon was going through. He didn’t have the power to act on anything, especially if the victim wouldn’t take action himself. All he could do was support his friend to the best of his ability, and do his best to make sure that he felt comfortable to come to him when he needed to.

For example, right now.

Jun was… a little surprised, to say the least. Jaewon hadn’t ever cried in front of him before this, but there he was, sitting at the coffee bar, silently weeping over a glass of water. Occasionally, he could hear a few gasps here and there, but otherwise the redhead was quiet. While he was always quiet, this was even more unsettling, given the entrance he had made. 

A few minutes later and Jun has gotten a change of clothes that Nari keeps stores for him just in case something happens, handing it over to Jaewon. He takes it, and slowly starts peeling off his vomit-covered shirt and shorts. Definitely some clothes that were meant for clubbing, and he assumed that something had happened while he was out.

Nari arrives with some electrolytes and an assortment of snacks that Jaewon likes, including some ice cream and ramen. Jaewon knew better than to bring up his diet when Nari presented him with snacks, for she'd just tell him to blame any change of weight on the drinking Wyld supposedly engages in night after night.

Jaewon only starts talking about thirty minutes later.

He tries to start talking a few times, mumbling some words before quieting down again, a pale look on his face as words fail to come out. Nari and Jun coax him quietly, making sure he knew he didn't have to talk if he wanted to.

When he does start, however, it seems he’d steeled himself, because he is no longer weeping, simply monotonously speaking, as if completely detached from the whole situation. As if he was simply an audience member to his own life and experiences.

“I didn't want to,” Jaewon starts. “I  _ really didn’t _ want to.”

Nari shoots Juan look, her expression darkening.

His voice cracks a little, but he continues. “I didn’t even know it was going to be-“ He pauses. “It wasn't supposed to be any different.”

“She, uh..” Jaewon stops to think. “I don’t know if she knew anything? I feel like I’ve seen her before though.”

“I just….” He closes his eyes. “I guess I went on autopilot and now I’m here, and I-“

He looks down, his face becoming pale.

“Yes, Jaewon?” Nari asks, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

He looks down, fiddling with the cup in his hand. He stays quiet for a long time before drinking, clearing his throat as it looks like he is about to start crying again. 

Jun reaches forward, wiping away a few stray tears from his cheek as he begins to cry again, eyes shut tight as he squeezes his cup harder before having to set it down. The clothes Jun handed him were big on him, sure, but now he looked so  _ small _ , with his legs hanging limply off his stool, continuing to cry.

He gathers himself for a moment before mumbling the words:

“Can I stop?”

Jun nods quickly, needing to reassure him as fast as possible.

Nari cuts in. “Of course, honey. Just do what you want.”

They stay in silence for a while, and Jaewon resumes his silent crying. Jun overhears some of his mutters this time, mostly about being uncomfortable and wanting to take a shower. Jun would've offered, had they been closer to a private one, but that wasn’t an option.

Jaewon looked terrible. In all his beautiful glory, he looked like he was severely sick, needing to go to the hospital. His eyes looked haggard, the sparkle of hope it once had long gone, looking withdrawn and detached. He had no clue what was going on in Jaewon’s mind. All he could do was try to help. But every time he continued to cry, and every time Jun could see marks when his shirt slipped up made him feel more and more frustrated. What was he even doing?

Time continued to pass like that. Jaewon continued to cry for what felt like hours, only a few words that sent Jun and Nari’s minds spiraling, trying to work their heads around what happened. Each and every new idea made Jun’s blood boil, angry and upset and just sad for his friend. Jaewon was so much stronger than he looked, and he absolutely needed to do something about what he was going through.

That was the first time Jun saw Jaewon cry, and it was the last time Jun though he couldn’t do anything to help Jaewon out.

That’s why, days later, when the occasional member of Mayhem shows up at the Coffee Temple, or when Jaewon brings them over himself, he doesn’t hold back on trying to put a stop to things. That’s why, even when faced with his own past, he doesn’t dare falter.

He keeps remembering that night when Jaewon came to him- and he promises himself that Jaewon will never have to come to him like that ever again.


	6. i’ve got a stereotypical temper

Minsoo thought of himself as a bad hyung. 

It was clear as day that Jaewon wasn’t doing well. Anyone who had eyes could see that. He didn't know _exactly_ what was going on, sure, but he’d overheard more than enough conversations to have a good enough understanding. The thing was, however, that he didn't have enough power to blow the whistle on the CEO’s actions. That became apparent after he tried his best to reveal everything to his manager, who had already learned what was going on prior. Sooner or later almost the entirety of people behind the scenes had an idea that something was wrong, and suddenly Wyld had one from a playboy to a pitiful man.

Putting that aside, it meant that the only thing that Minsoo could do was be there for Jaewon, from his late-night panic attacks or helping him combat sleepless nights to the best of his ability. As he was perpetually awake, Minsoo had probably seen a lot more of Jaewon then the rest of Mayhem, and had made it his personal mission to take care of his dongsaeng when he was needed. 

Tonight, in particular, was a very hard night for Jaewon.

Dongho and Daehyun had gone to bed hours ago, and Minsoo had decided to stay up to make sure that the red-head had arrived safely at the dorms. Opting to practice some more before retiring to play some video games, he’s in the middle of a scrim when he hears the click of the door opening. Quickly logging out and pulling off his head phones, he leaves his room to be greeted by a very disoriented Jaewon, who was peeling off various layers of clothes and rubbing at the makeup on his face.

He looked like he had been crying, or maybe it had started raining just previously. His previously elegantly tousled hair had become unkempt and sticky, foreign substances clamping his hair together. The shirt he had on was stained from various lipstick marks and an unidentifiable drink.

Minsoo approached him quietly, getting a water bottle out for him and some sleeping pills the manager had prescribed for the two of them when needed. Jaewon did not acknowledge him yet, still undressing himself to reveal an assortment of bruises- many of which weren’t hickeys. He tried his best not to gasp, catching it in his throat as he eyed his dongsaeng’s body. He knew they each had their own personal diet but… he looked way too skinny. He had already seen Daehyun’s and Dongho’s bodies before when they changed for various shoots, but they didn't look like _this_. He almost wondered if Jaewon was responsible for him doing this to himself when he reimbursed how much Jaewon liked to snack when they were trainees. Shaking his head, he grabbed some leftovers from dinner and began to heat them up in the microwave provided for them. 

Jaewon made a small noise, seemingly just noticing that Minsoo was there. He stayed quiet as he drank his water.

“Do you want to take a shower before you eat?” Minsoo offered, pulling some plates out for the two of them to use.

The redhead bit his lip and shook his head. “No, it's okay.”

He nodded, and plated the reheated food for the two of them. Jaewon was now wearing one of his hoodies, having changed out of the clothes that were painfully tight and soaked. Minsoo looked at the pile on the floor, trying not to gag at the smell of various perfumes, colognes, and alcohol hoo mixing together. Unaffected, Jaewon prodded some of his food back and forth, not really eating much.

“You should be eating more, you know.”

Minsoo didn't really mean much by the comment. Maybe it was the fact that Jaewon’s skinny form from earlier bothered him so much, or it was because he didn’t want to act like he didn't see how much Jaewon was being affected recently, how much more withdrawn he’d become. Maybe he wanted to rid himself of this guilt that ate him up every time he saw the other’s sunken eyes, tired and upset. Jaewon wasn’t eating much of the food that he was given, just pushing it around while taking bites here and there.

He didn't really notice it when the light in Jaeon’s eyes changed, but he doubted that he would have been able to recognize it even if he noticed. He’d never seen Jaewon anything other than tired and sad recently, and memories of a happy or excited Jaewon were from years ago, before their debut and before they met Mr. Park. He didn't really notice when Jaewon began to grip his fork a little tighter, and he didn't notice when he furrowed his brows and bit his lip. Instead, he noticed Jaewon hiding his face. He noticed Jaewon becoming more and more quiet, not listening to his words. He _assumed_ Jaewon was getting lost in his head again, and maybe that was the only thing he had gotten right. But in a completely different way.

Jaewon had been having a terrible night. 

It certainly wasn’t an excuse for what happened, but simply an explanation. He’d gone out to a vip club- immediately ushered to the penthouse for what turned out to be the private party of some fortune 500’s chair. Apparently his daughter was a fan, and had asked the CEO to make sure that Jaewon showed up that night. So he did. When he arrived at the penthouse he's greeted by fancily dressed men and women who looked at him scornfully, immediately souring the already dejected mood he’d turned up there in.

And oh boy, he wished that was just it.

After being carted away by some of the daughter’s friends he was brought to a private room that was certainly more club-like- with flashing lights and velvet seats, it was sad to see that Wyld was actually more comfortable there than the overly formal, littering golden room he had been in prior.

He was sat down at one of the large poker tables in the center of the room, a dealer randomly appearing with the daughter in tow. She immediately sat beside him, so quickly shifted into a Wyld smile, a playful smirk and the occasional shrug of his shoulders. He became loose, throwing random glances around the room. 

The night continued on, him having amicable conversation and speaking with the fans present. He took quite a few photos, did some poses, and played along with their whims. It was, surprisingly, a lot more relaxing than what he had hyped himself up for that night. Granted, he had to get over the exorbitant amount of money that was being spent around him, but otherwise he was just fine.

That was, however, until the boyfriend showed up.

The daughter in question had just finished taking a few photos with Jaewon- some of which weren’t exactly the type you’d see at a public fan greeting. His shirt, which now was definitely gained, had various lipstick marks from the various girls around, along with quite a few of scribbled line numbers here and there. Jaewon was just about to leave when suddenly, a guy way bigger than _Dongho_ showed up, angry and seemingly intoxicated.

He wasn’t actually sure what happened, given his slightly buzzed state- he thinks he might’ve seen something slipped into the drinks earlier, but the CEO said he wasn’t allowed to comment on that. But before he knew it, Jaewon was being pinned up against the wall, a large hand holding his shoulders tightly. He became dizzier and dizzier and could make out quite a bit of screaming and shouting, and it was only after a bright light flooded the room that the pressure on his shoulder and neck relented.

Collapsing to the ground, Jaewon sighed as someone hoisted him back up. A few minutes later, he recognized his presumed helper as the teen who escorted him up to the penthouse earlier. He offered the boy a weak smile before he was shoved into the back of a taxi, falling onto the cushioned seats limply. He took a ride back close to the dorms, before opting to get out and walk the rest of the way. About halfway back rain picked up and when he finally entered the dorm he was soaking wet, exhausted, dizzy, and frankly upset. It wasn’t even the worst night he’d had, but he had no idea what was in his drink earlier and his head would not stop pounding. Despite being in the air, his body felt extremely hot and he felt like he was on the verge of passing out or throwing up. Maybe both.

So when Minsoo greeted him with food he wasn’t exactly excited. He figured he’d worry his hyung if he didn't accept, and he didn't really want to worry Minsoo or he wouldn’t be allowed to just collapse on his bed and go to sleep later. So he the as little as possible, ignoring Minsoo’s mutterings and trying to control his headache. 

“You should eat more.”

_Oh come on._

He wasn’t exactly sure why, but all his stress from tonight, from the last few weeks, maybe even all the tension he’s held for so long, rarely allowing himself the luxury to even _cry_ burst out of him, overwhelming him and it was like when the pressure washer suddenly is out of your hands and you’re nowhere close to the tap and you’re just hoping that it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. Except it does, and now Minsoo was the unwitting victim of Jaewon’s misdirected anger.

“You know, _hyung_ ,” He spat, slamming his fork onto the countertop. “I don’t really want to listen to you right now. I don’t really give a singly flying _fuck_ what you think I should do. You’re not me.” He pushed his hair back, his hand tangling in a knot that had probably been caused when a drink was thrown at him earlier, frustrating him even more. “I don’t really want to eat, shower, or even be here right now! I wish I never became an idol! I’m so fucking tired with everything and I just want to go to sleep and maybe when I wake up I’ll be anywhere that isn’t _here_ , surrounded by people who either want something from me or pity me! I want to fucking go. Anywhere. Anywhere that I can just take a break and not have to to deal with anything. I’m so _tired, hyung_.” He stops, blanking back tears.

In the midst of the commotion, Dongho and Daehyun had exited their rooms, looking confused and disoriented. Jaewon continued nonetheless. 

“I’m so tired, and I don’t want to do this anymore. _You guys don’t even need me to be Mayhem_ . All I wanted was to be able to be a part of something great, and now I’m just a poster boy for mistakes and everything that is bad about people like us. _I can't do this anymore_.”

Minsoo blinked owlishly, clearly taken aback.

It was at that moment that Jaewon realized what he was doing, sobering up slightly. His throat hurt, and the tears he was fighting back had returned in full force, streaming down his face, hot streaks leaving makeup trails from where he didn’t properly remove it earlier.

“Jaewon…” Minsoo reached out, brushing some of the tears off from his face.

_What did I just do?_

Jaewon bolted back, cupping the side of his face, his entire body turning red from shame and latent anger. He rushed towards the door, throwing it open and rushing out, not bothering to brig a mask or jacket, simply in his hoodie, shorts, and slides. He ran, he ran through the rain and illuminated streets, The street lamps guiding him to where he wanted to go. His hyung’s shouted after him. calling his name as Daehyun called up their manager.

He turned around. “I’m sorry hyung!” He shouted, his voice cracking along with the image he’d tried to maintain despite it all. And suddenly, almost as quickly as he came, Jaewon was gone again.

Minsoo stood at the top of the stairwell, shocked. Dongho was rubbing circles into his back softly, murmuring something but all Minsoo could think of was Jaewon, upset and crying and how he’d finally gotten mad but he was mad at _him_.

(Minsoo really thought he was a bad hyung.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot has started! and yes it’s going to take 5 chapters to have the plot. this was also the longest chapter so far, so i hope you all enjoyed it! i enjoyed writing it. especially at 9;30 on a school night 😔😔

**Author's Note:**

> fic title, description, and chapter titles are from the front bottoms’ song “bathtub”.


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